On Monday this week I Received a parcel from Amazon containing something labelled as Suspenders. For my English speaking friends  The Irish writer George Bernard Shaw once said: ‘England and America are two countries divided by a common language’ Never has a truer word been spoken. I am not as some may believe the type to wear a belt worn by women to keep their nylons in place. What I actually received was a pair of braces. I wear these most of the time now as the shape of my stomach does not allow for the easy positioning of a belt around where I once had a waist.

Most of my braces are by choice, patterned. I have a fine pair covered by pheasants. Pleas note, American friends, my title does not preclude me from using the H in that word.

And so on Tuesday I wore my new braces with strong clips, on a clean pair of trousers. I took a trip on the bus where the moment I sat down in my seat I felt the strong ‘Ping’ of the back clip give way. It rose slowly up my back until the co-efficient of drag was trying to pull my neck down to meet my knees. By the time the one and a half hour journey was over I almost didn’t notice it. I did hear the term pop-eyed used by someone who chose to sit behind me rather than next to me though.

When I arrived at my destination I stood up to leave the bus and had to grab at my non-existent waist quickly as I felt my trousers start to descend. They didn’t go far though, so that the waistline wasn’t far from my knee line. A trip to the public loo meant I spend 15 minutes sorting the clip out and re-attaching it. The first attempt fell by the wayside as I attached it through my legs without removing the trousers. Lesson learned. This led to my next problem though as I stopped for coffee and removing my jacket sat at a table.

The clip ‘Pinged’ again as I sat and this time flew over my head and hit me in my glasses which because they are really toughened plastic protected my eyes and didn’t break. The strap once again returned to the back of my neck. The waiter almost dropped my coffee and had I been able to see him I may just have chosen that moment to see if I really am a pacifist or not. But my ‘plastics’ were scratched from the clip and I could see very little. He suggested I ease the adjustable straps a bit which I did and then he , like cocking a bow, kindly pushed the clip down my back to the spot I could re-attach it.A few movements and the problem appeared to be solved but I donned my jacket and waited for my daughter and grandchildren to appear. Once the children were in School Yvonne and I shopped until The ‘pIng’ happened for a third, and I vowed last time. I visited the disabled loo in our store then removed my trousers. Then fixing the clip in place I stamped on it hoping it would help the grip and eased off the straps a little more . No more problems.

I returned home this morning and prayed the whole journey that all would be OK, not lest because I was also wearing a backpack which would make things difficult. But all was fine until I set foot inside my front door. Then it was ‘Ping’ and down my trousers came before I could catch them and before I could remove my backpack I swear I heard Joey laughing as I shuffled to the bedroom and changed into jogging bottoms. I do have a pair of broad strap braces with super strong clips which I’ll use for a while to build up my confidence. I also have a spare pair of glasses luckily.